England's OTHER World Cup Glory

Remember when England won the World Cup. No, not 1966. And not 1982 when Roy of the Rovers won it.

This was 1986 and our national hero was Ball Boy.

Created in 1975 by Malcolm Judge (also creator of Billy Whizz) and drawn by him until his death in 1989, Ball Boy is the captain of a five-a-side football team, usually noted for being the underdogs. Several other artists have taken on the strip since, currently it's Alexander Matthews.

The team itself was meant to consist of various character types but they all sort-of become background cyphers, reacting to the star. It is worth pointing out that one of the team members, Benjy, was black, which was a rare thing to see in comics of the time. Or indeed now.

In 1986 Ball Boy starred in an extended adventure in the bi-monthly spin-off Beano Comic Library, a small-format digest spotlighting particular characters. Now, because these were 66-page stories being produced at the same time as the regular Beano (there was also Dandy Comic Libraries running concurrently) they tended to be written and drawn by artist b-teams or the semi-retired. I do not know who is responsible for Comic Library no. 101 but it mostly seems to have been done in a hurry.

So let's crack on with "Ball-Boy: Junior World Cup". I'll be honest, that hyphen in his name already bothers me. He is not Spider-Man.

The story kicks off (ha!) at the semi-final of the titular cup. We do not know how they got here.

We do not know whom they are playing.

But an arse-based rebound puts them in the final!

Huh?! OFF to Mexico? Yes, it seems the semi-finals of the JUNIOR World Cup 1986 was held in the UK but for the final the have to travel to Mexico. Now, as I've said before, I'm no expert on football but I don't think that's how international tournaments are played. I don't even understand how Ball Boy's team ended up representing their country.

Anyhow, BB's so excited he's put his hand through the border!

They travel BY BOAT to Mexico, theoretically to give them time to practice while they travel. Instead of, y'know, getting there quicker and practicing on land.

This tactic is not without its problems.

The Captain gets so fed up with the disruptions that he calls for a helicopter.

And the team are removed, getting a free flight to Mexico. Doesn't look so stupid now, huh?

On arrival they see the stadium in which they will play the final.

Now, usually, I enjoy crowbarring in a reference to Doctor Who somewhere in this blog. Sometimes it's (ahem) an open goal.

And then, 25 pages in, we meet a new character.

He's the wise old man archetype of Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. There to give advice and encouragement, maybe he'll die a significant death protecting Ball Boy. Maybe he'll return as Gerry the White or some blue ghost. Maybe I'm over-thinking.

Actually looks very good for a ninety-nine-year-old.

Montage! Gerry trains them up, as they have apparently got all the way to the final with no coach. But then...

34 pages in and we are introduced to the antagonist. Somewhere, Robert McKee shakes his head. Yes, it's the manager of "their opposing team", who appears to be... Mexican, I guess? So they have home turf advantage?

Also, yes, his name is basically "Greasy Dago". Clarkson would be proud.

Diego seems so sure of his team's failure that he full-on tries to murder BB's team. First by runaway steamroller....

Then by lion! He seems very well connected and creative.

Gerry saves them from both those threats, cos he's actually pretty awesome by this point.

Then after two amazing death traps, they end up in a booby-trapped revolving door, from which, again, Gerry saves them.

Interathletico! That's their name! We're on page 44 but eventually we were told against whom they were playing! We still don't know Ball Boy's team, mind.

Anyway, their confidence shattered (especially after seeing Interathletico practicing), it's time for something special.

Gerry has contacts. He brings out the best players in the world to coach them.

What follows is six full-page caricatures of footballers of the day. Presented in full for those fans of 1980s football:

 It's worth pointing out here that 1986 saw the "hand of God" incident at the "real" World Cup.

These legends then give our boys all the advice they could need.

So cometh the hour, the boys are ready.

However the two teams are too evenly matched...

We need inspiration.

Use the force! Don't disappoint an old man!

Hoorah! Again! Let's see that cup in English hands!

That's right! He was lying! He's been dead all along! He was actually a figment of Ball Boy's imagination, brought upon by a brain tumour! Oh how we laughed!

Okay, what is it really?

Ha ha ha ha h.... Wait, what? That's the "joke" you're choosing to end on?

Well, it's an ending. I guess.

(Plays Police Squad theme)

We Need To Talk About Dennis

Let's discuss Dennis the Menace. It's been too long coming. Dennis is arguably Britain's most successful comic character. Really, who else comes close? Judge Dredd? Maybe. Bananaman? Ask me again in a couple of years. The girls of St Trinians? I guess they count...

Anyway, first (especially for my overseas readers) I need to make one thing ABSOLUTELY clear. When I refer to Dennis the Menace I do not mean this prick:

Ugh. I HATE American Dennis the Menace. I mean, look at him. He doesn't menace, he puns. He hilariously misunderstands adults.

That's NOT menacing. It's positively sweet!

All right, his perpetual snubbing of Margaret will lead to severe emotional problems later in life. Maybe she will never form a real relationship. That is quite menacing. If he's deliberately playing the long game. He seems to annoy Mr Wilson more by accident than design. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit.

However THAT Dennis cemented himself into popular culture through things like a TV sitcom in 1959 and a pretty poor movie from 1993 which amazingly got Walter Matthau in one of his final roles. I best remember the 1986 cartoon series boring me as a child. Seriously, I'd rather be watching The Raccoons.

(Edit: This is me from the distant future of 2021 and I wanted you to know my opinion of US Dennis the Menace. I was dissing him for comic effect but I have actually seen quite a lot of the original cartoons by Hank Ketchum and they are really good. He was very skilled.)

In one of those moments of cosmic spookiness the American Dennis the Menace (by Hank Ketchum) and the British Dennis the Menace (by Davey Law) were both first printed within 5 days of each other in 1951.

OUR Dennis (hereafter just Dennis, cos, y'know, he is the real one) was a trouble maker from day one. The Beano, issue 452.

Here he is, being told off by his Dad.

His style quickly evolved as his popularity grew. It's like the coming of a comics messiah, we always knew he should have been here.

Law continued drawing Dennis until he retired in 1970. Law retired. Not Dennis. Along the way he gave us the familiar red and black striped jersey, Walter the Softy (Dennis' perennial antagonist) and Gnasher (Dennis' faithful doggy companion, now inseparable), originally a stray which Dennis entered into a dog show.

Dave Sutherland took over and is the version with whom most of you will be familiar. I know I am. Sutherland continued with Dennis until 1998. You may also know his work on Biffo the Bear and The Bash Street Kids (the latter he took over from the great Leo Baxendale in 1961 and is STILL drawing every week as of July 2014).

In 1974 Dennis had become so popular he had taken over the front cover from Biffo, unseating him after 26 years. He has remained there until this day.

Growing up in the 1980s, the last good time for British kids' comics, meant knowing Dennis better than your own family. looking through a handful of issues from 1987 (which I happen to have lying around) shows the perpetual fight with "the softies" as an unsettling normalisation of gay-bashing....

Seriously, Walter and his "friends" all seem to conform to pre-political correctness caricatures of homosexuals.

Everything "sweet" is effeminate and therefore "wrong".

And don't you dare blur those gender lines!

Obviously such behaviour must be punished!

These days, Walter tends to be meaner to Dennis to more justify the fights. More of a teacher's pet-type crawler. Think Martin Prince from The Simpsons. Actually much of todays Dennis is heavily Simpson influenced. Simpfluenced.

The Sutherland years gave us Dennis' friends Curly and Pieface as well as his pet pig Rasher and Gnasher's son Gnipper (I'll come back to that story at a later date).

After a short-lived TV cartoon series for the BBC in 1996, in 1998 David Parkins became the third David to take on the Menace and got to design a new (ish) look for the strip.

His tenure saw the introduction of Dennis' sister, Bea (named through a reader poll, like the Blue Peter cat) who was, well, a bit like Maggie. She also brought new levels of scatology into the comic. Honestly, in my day even Oink! weren't allowed to say "fart", now barely a page of Toxic goes by without one. Tch. Kids today don't know they're born.

Anyway, in 2003 Nigel Parkinson and Jimmy Hansen took over (with another back-up strip by personal favourite Tom Paterson) during which time monthly comic Beano Max was launched, with Dennis as cover star as well.

Then, in 2009, the publishers decided it was time for a rebranding. There was a new cartoon series
co-produced with Australian television in production and a decision was made to match the aesthetics and characters from that.

An aside here: does anyone else remember "Judge Dredd: Lawman of the Future"? It was a child-friendly comic aimed at all those new-found Dredd fans who discovered the Mega City One tough guy through the massive hit movie starring Stallone. It didn't last long.

I digress. The same creative team work on the strip at this time and the cartoon show was surprisingly good (honestly, I'm watching some on The YouTubes as I type this, some alarming Aussie accents aside it gets the tone right) but the design did not seem right for the comic itself.

In 2011 the strip was relaunched with Parkinson and Barrie Appleby in control. Some interesting stuff happens here. First, Dennis now gets three pages instead of two. The editorial style of the comic would also mean sometimes it got more. Or popped up on other pages throughout the issue. There was also a renewed interest in "celebrity" guests.

It is a fairly long-standing tradition for well-known people to endorse their appearances in The Beano. Some specifically asked for it. Sometimes the weight of history can make these decisions seem wrong.

Yep, that's Paralympic hero Oscar Pistorious racing Walter. According to a press release from the Beano editor from 2012: "he's just like Dennis, who never does as he is told." Oh dear.

Could that be the most misjudged guest appearance in The Beano?

...Let's move on.

This is all leading to an observation I made regarding Dennis' dad. See, in 2011 Dad was redesigned. The creators wanted a dad who seemed more real to the kids of today. Gone was the slipper-wielding authoritarian with the toothbrush moustache of old and in came... well, a bloke who looked like a middle-aged Dennis.

He didn't see himself as above his children and desperately wanted to still seem "cool". He was like today's parents. At least if those friends of mine who have bred and share their baby pictures on the Facebooks are anything to go by. I think this was a bold move and a correct one. It definitely makes the characters more relatable and, yes, closer to The Simpsons.

Then something got me thinking. Dennis has been around for a long time now. Is this menace the same kid?

You know how James Bond has been around for over 50 years? In the movies it is believable that he is the same character between Dr No (1962) and A View to a Kill (1985) but no further. Even though there is a reference to Bond's wife Tracey in Licence To Kill. And one of the Brosnans.

There is a theory which attempts to square the continuity by showing that "James Bond" is a codename used by SIS/MI7/whatever for their top agent. Who happens to have similar character traits. And whose wife was murdered. This almost works up until Skyfall where it all falls apart. Buy me a drink some day and I'll explain it to you.

Anyway, how do we (let's be honest, we're all nerds at this point) square the Dennis' Dad circle? Why did he change? Why did Klingon foreheads change? How did the Second Doctor know Jamie and Zoe had their memories wiped? Sure, we could just shrug and move on like most people BUT THAT MEANS THEY WIN!

Don't know who "they" are.

Sorry.

Anyway, it hit me recently: The Dennis the Menace of my childhood is the father of the current Dennis. Today's Dennis is Dennis Junior.

Then I read the current Beano Summer Special (aside: really pleased they still make Beano Summer Specials) and found this flashback to Dennis's Dad's childhood:

Well that confirms it! I have deliberately chosen the pictures from past strips to show "Dad" in every era was consistently drawn like that (scroll up and have a look if you like) until 2011. And now we have this.

Then, whilst finding relevant pictures for this blog I read a strip I missed before, from January this year. It's another flashback panel:

I am now convinced. It is 100% canon that MY Dennis has now grown up and is dealing with his own menace spawn. Maybe one day this current Dennis will discover Karma in the same way.

Now, the only problem is the cartoon. When it started in 2009, Dennis's dad looked like

and since last year he was all

...so is it canon?

The OTHER side of Rolf Harris (not that one)

Like many other humans in this country right now I am sad about a huge chunk of my childhood. The guilty verdict brought against Rolf Harris yesterday will have far-reaching consequences for all those who saw him as a cuddly uncle figure and charming entertainer. I do not wish to make light of what are undoubtedly horrific crimes or their many victims (more women are coming forward all the time) or claim any victim status myself just because some bloke I never met turned out different from expected.

However, Rolf had a special place in my childhood. When my family got a video (borrowed from my Dad's job initially) the first programme I recorded off of the telly was Cartoon Time. I was a massive fan of golden age animation as a kid and loved seeing them presented on a half-hour show by this chap who'd draw pictures whilst talking about them and make silly musical noises. Then he moved from BBC to ITV and began Rolf's Cartoon Club ("You can join today!") which expanded the format and gave actual information about the studios and animators who made those toons. At some point I'd start to notice that this man who was talking knowledgably about the history of animation was making mistakes. I must have realised that he was saying scripted words from some under-paid researcher at some point and grown disillusioned.

Then, at some point in the late 90s I started to hear darker rumours. We all hear rumours about celebrity proclivities at some point. Even if we believe them we don't think anything will happen. Nor do we really think about the victims.

This, though, is a comics blog, so where are we going? Wow!, that's where.

I think I may have read every issue of Wow! as a kid. It ran for just over a year (from June 1982 to June 1983) and I have very distinct memories of reading the "origin" story of many of the strips inside on a Butlins holiday in Pwllheli. It's more successful characters moved in to Whoopee! when it folded making the actually quite satisfying "Whoopee! and Wow!"

Anyway, I found a copy of issue 6 recently (dated 10th July 1982) and remembered it was also another area of my life infiltrated by Harris.

 The centre pages of each issue were given over to the TV star with puzzles, competitions and strips. In the main strip, Rolf invited children to play with his magic brush. No, really. Rolf's Magic Brushes allowed him to paint "real" things! In a typical strip, Rolf was left with an unsupervised child:

And would open his coat:

I'm not enjoying this. I'm really trying to avoid distasteful innuendo.
I did sort of wonder why IPC never sued the creators of Penny Crayon which was the same premise.

And then I remembered Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings predates them both.

Sorry, got off on a bit of a tangent there. Every week there was a competition to win a pack of Magic Brushes which I desperately wanted. I don't quite know what they really were but I'm sure if I'd got some I would have been severely disappointed.

There was one other strip, but I think the less we should say about Jake the Peg's middle leg, the better we'll all feel.

So let's have a look around the rest of the comic. Wow! seems to have a lot of strips that feel very 1982. For example there's Bleep... the Wow! Robot:

 Clunky robots were huge in 1982. Doctor Who had one (well he was actually between clunky robots in 1982 but go with it), The Goodies had one even the Green Cross Code Man had one. And the world had fallen in love with Metal Mickey. Or at least tolerated him for a while. Oh, and Timothy Claypole on Rentaghost had one.

There was "Hi De Hi...Hi De Hooooo!" which was based on a popular TV comedy about a holiday camp. Only with ghosts. I'm willing to believe the writer of that one wanted to knock off early the day he pitched that.

And KBR (Kids' Band Radio) which used the new CB radio fad to throw out tons of slang terms:

Each strip came with a glossary at the end to help the readers keep up. I don't know how much was real CB slang and how much made up by the writer but I'd guess 50/50.

Elsewhere there is the Shipwreck School, a class stranded on a desert island with only their oddly strict teacher for company. I remember the first strip in which a school trip goes disastrously wrong, setting up the premise of the on-going stories but now can't help but think of all those fictional ship's crew members who lost their lives for weekly whimsy.

And the rather pleasing Creepy Comix in which a boy inherited a pile of old horror comics (clearly the writer lamented the passing of EC et al and wished to evoke the spirit) whose characters would escape the pages, usually to right a wrong or punish the wicked (in true EC style, albeit in a humour strip).

It's the other features that left me the most baffled. A two-page spread of celebrity pictures with jokes in speech balloons (Wow! Star Turns) featured Daley Thompson, The Three Degrees, "England manager Ron Greenwood" and this confusing picture:

I do not know what this means. Are they suggesting Shakin' Stevens looks like Superman? Am I missing something? Is Michael Barratt Shakey's real name? If only I had some method of looking that up.

 

And then the "Next Issue" promo page promised this:

 

I have no idea what a "Finger way out t-shirt" is. I know all the words, just not in that order. The picture does not help.

1982 was weird y'all.

England Footballers: The Problem

They're coming home, they're coming home, they're coming....

Too soon?

Yes, it's that time again. England are out of the World Cup. This time slightly ahead of schedule, so well done, boys!

But what chance have our boys got against the hostile British press?

 For example: We all know just how much Frank Slater of the Daily Comet has had it in for England since Roy Race took over as manager.

 Derek "Mozzie" Mostin, the young hotshot from Selbridge is one of the great "characters" of English football. Where would we be if we were to suppress the laughter? That's part of our heritage as Englishmen! Go on, Mozzie, you show Slater. You show us all! Show us your orang-utan!!!

Sack him.