A Chilling Vision.... OF THE FUTURE!

Hello. Welcome back. Been a busy time here at Slipper Towers so I've not been able to update for a while. As a return, therefore, I've decided to give you something a bit special. Instead of the usual boring old comics strips drawn by some artist BY HAND like your parents' comics, what if the comics were REAL PEOPLE photographed? Wouldn't that be AMAZING!?

Blue Jeans was a magazine that ran from 1980 to 1991 and offered girls advice, tips and full-colour pin-ups of Paul King and Jason Connery. It also had "photo novels", stories that followed the format of romance comics but were actually photos of models posing in the frames. Because that made it more "real" and "grown up" I guess.

 

I haven't been able to trace the history of the photo-romance stories, it seems that it is a cultural endeavour ignored by critics, although a quick search has brought up some interesting images from a 1970s Italian magazine. However they were certainly big news in 1980s girls' magazines in Britain. Blue Jeans was popular enough to spawn spin-off comic library Blue Jeans Picture Novel.

 

The following story highlights come from Blue Jeans Photo Story Annual 1984. It is full of gems but this (or possibly the one with the magic gnome) is my favourite. Presenting: A chilling look at a future for humanity that COULD be, when a young couple makes...

 I love visions of "the future" in pop culture. Especially when they take themselves entirely seriously. Of course, they always tell you more about the time in which they were made, sometimes even more so than contemporary-set stories.

 The budget for the photo-shoots was necessarily very low. Which for this story means keeping all the sets almost entirely empty. Which gives it a sort of THX-1138 aesthetic. I think that "computer" box is meant to look like HAL 9000. Although I'm pretty sure it's an oscilloscope.

 It's the year 2084 and we live underwater we trust computers for EVERYTHING. And, just like today, it is very important to carry your computer card with you.

 I believe this is what Plenty of Fish is like.

 Oh those wacky future names! It's like The Hunger Games. And why was scaffolding a symbol of the future? I blame Blake's Seven.

 They have so much in common! It's nice that disco is still popular in 2084. Considering it wasn't in 1984. 3-D disco dancing is, of course, much easier than 2-D disco dancing. Nobody else on the dance floor could see you as anything but a straight line. This is why there are no discos in Flatland.

 Yes, the Romantic Involvement Computer. Which delivers its results via a dot-matrix printer.

 What!? Gemma and Bryan!? What happened to Sara and Marc? I've read this story several times now and that is honestly the first time I've noticed the protagonists weren't the same people already seen.

 Let's take a moment to drink in those amazing '80s future fashion choices. The hair, the eye makeup, the jumpsuits, that belt. They'd look completely at home dancing to Visage on Top of the Pops.

 To be completely fair, the divorce rate did rocket between 1984 and 1998, so.... well done, I guess. However marriage as an institution was no longer seen as essential by then, so.... six of one.

 Sometimes the pictures are printed at angles in an attempt to make the pages more visually appealing. Which is annoying when scanning individual panels.

 Oh noes! They are already in love but they different! And this story pre-dates Paul Abdul's "Opposites Attract" thesis!

 Wibbly lines means flashback! I think this is meant to be a party scene. I kind of love the "future" band names which must have taken all of about twenty seconds to think up. I like to think the Blue Moon Band are heavily influenced by the Radiophonic Workshop.

 Can't even begin to think what a "man-made sunset" would be for.

 Awwwww...... The first time, ever I saw your face.....

 I think she likes reading books, not the town of Reading, Berks. Hard to tell when it's ALL CAPS. I have difficulty believing in a quiet vacation on a gas giant, but maybe that's just me. Props to the model for rocking that eye-shadow and lip gloss. I'm willing to bet it made him very uncomfortable. He would have done National Service. Maybe he fought in Korea. Now he's pretending to emote in makeup.

 It's true. Have you seen John McCririck and his wife? Those are strange people.

 If you didn't spot it, the "national motto" was on the wall in the "party" scene.

 She may like reading and quiet vacations but she has a rebel spirit. Maybe they're not so different... Romanes Eunt Domus!

 *Gasp* Such vandalism! Love the "computer" font (which I'm pretty sure was drawn by hand). Such an 80s view of technology. Always reminds me of this:

I could watch that over and over again. And I have.

 So it seems they live in a Megacity. BritCit presumably.

 It's all gone Logan's Run.

 More shocking lipstick. And damn those wonky panels!

 Oh no! It is written. Gemma will be forced to take her "perfect partner"!

 Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!??? But how can it be?

 Hey, remember how this story was introduced by "Ric" and how the matches are made by the Romantic Involvement Computer?

 BOOM! YOU JUST GOT SHYMALANNED!

 That's right Ric was an oscilloscope a computer the whole time! And that dumb guy with the eye-shadow was his assistant!

 He is just there to scribble out graffiti with a magic marker (a shame they lost that anti-graffiti tech from Demolition Man by 2084).

So the moral of the story is.... Trust the computers, I guess. Turns out they do know everything.

That was weird.

Super Spook and his Surprisingly Well-Defined Buttocks

Britain does not have a great history of Superheroes. There are copies like Marvelman, parodies like Bananaman and deconstructions like Zenith. It's almost like we are embarrassed at the notion of doing superheroes sincerely.

 

Which is not to say creators have not tried. But for every one that hit, like say, Billy the Cat, there were, I would guess, a billion failures.

Which brings us to Super Spook.

Super Spook appeared in the Cor! Annual 1976 and as far as I can tell, nowhere else. Comment if you no different True Believers! I'll e-mail you a no-prize!

Cor! was a comic that was published from 1970-1974 before being merged with Buster, although, as was common then, the annuals continued (I say "then" but we still got a Dandy Annual last year). Cover star was Gus the Gorilla (see above) and among the strips contained within were Ivor Lott and Tony Broke (one of many class war strips from the period), Tomboy, Tricky Dicky (not to be confused with the one from Topper who lives on in today's Beano), Val's Vanishing Cream and even the comic adventures of The Goodies!

However, in 1975 it was dead, an ex-comic, it had ceased to be. Except for annuals. And this one has million-dollar debut of Super Spook!

Now read on....

The strip starts with this mildly alarming image of Super Spook himself, clad in a very, erm, snug onesie. With a hood. Seriously, that all-in-one outfit really clings to his manly form, doesn't it?

Also, the black "flash" behind him seems to indicate that he has maybe burst through from another dimension? He is Super Spook so he's a ghost? Maybe he escaped from Hell?

Our story begins with some children playing on a charmingly-70s blatant death-trap. Maybe the creative team remember their youths spent playing on the bombsites around their home town and assumed kids still did that. West Wyton clearly has a severe lack of parks. Someone call Leslie Knope.

And so we (nearly) meet our protagonists; the "Dirty Hands Gang". Who are apparently planning a bike trip but without deciding where they are going.

So the "Mighty-Muscled Avenger (tm Marvel Comics)" decides to fly down and watch some kids. Dressed like that. It was the 70s.

So no-one can see or hear Super Spook. I can't decide if that makes it less creepy or more... Just a little time to taunt the fat kid before we travel off to a superhero origin story..... (harp strings)

Revelation No 1. Super Spook is... Canadian? Odd choice, carry on. It turns out a lightning bolt strikes the mine and only "gentle giant" Jeremiah has the strength to hold up the roof to allow his friends to escape.

So his origin is... he died? Nobly, I suppose but you'd think it would take more than that. They could made something up about the lightning. And where did that *ahem* form-fitting onesie come from? All this and less will be answered!

And introducing our baddies! They drop their aitches. Baddies fer sure.

THAT'S TRASH TALK WHERE I COME FROM! Sorry, I mean from where I come.

Wait is Captain Pornstache a goody (no I mean not a baddie, not a Goody)? Is he trying to clean up this one-horse town one juvenile "gang" at a time?

Yeah! Yank that stache! Super Spook chuckles.

Stop talking like that! It's creepy!

So Super Spook's power is telekinesis? I guess?

A needlessly phallic object is "jerked" at them. Thanks, Nearby Gardener!

Waitaminnit... These ne'erdowells is up to summink!

Oh, he's so old timey! Does that mean he jumped from 1880s to 1970s? Or is he just only now bothering to listen to people?

So Super Spook watches them... And... that onesie is so... tight.... I mean it almost looks like he's wearing nothing at all...

...nothing at all...

....nothing at all....

Stupid sexy Super Spook!

Ahem.

Bank robbery! Call the Sweeney!

So he can move like lightning too? With a lightning bolt-like "Flash (tm DC Comics)"?

I have to admit that's an awesome drawing of a 70s sports car.

Oh no! Face first into a bag of white powder! Just like (insert name of celebrity with coke habit here).

Yes "flying bird thing". You really have not been paying attention, have you?

However he figures out the principles pretty fast! Well done Super Spook! Also: actually impressive use of your ill-defined superpowers.

Again: I like this stuff!

Ha! Tying the propellers is a pretty baller move. Hats off!

And then we get this amazing scaredy-face reaction from Tim Brooke-Taylor. Doing the traditional "Casper" reaction. Nice work!

Take that, scoundrels! Eff yeah!

Oh, so it's like the Invisible Man then? Weird, but okay.

Ooh, plot development!

Some nice 70s details in this panel. However our hero needs to stop having flour on him, as that is disturbing.

Ha! Casual, one-panel background characters I love you! Really, you can imagine that family's entire lives on that one simple exchange. Dad saw the "thing" but he won't say. He'll allow his child to be blamed for it as the alternative is giving up to the unknown. And that way madness lies. The child shall be punished to establish the status quo. And none of us will speak of this again.

That's it Super Spook! Abduct a child! That'll prove you're not crazy!

Aha! So that's why they were scaring the kids away! So they could use their hideout! Shame they didn't go full Scooby Doo and scare them with masks n that but w'evs.

A plot is hatched to Home Alone the first guy to try to pick up the loot. Hee hee. Loot.

Silly Super Spook, we don't have sheriffs! Except for Nottingham. They do. I've met him. Nice guy.

Hoorah! Good will out! But how were crooks trapped? How did they explain that mangled helicopter?

Oh look! that chap with the Rolls Royce and the top hat is concerned. That is cartoonishly "rich man" even for a cartoon!

Butch later went mad trying to figure out what happened that day. He is currently heavily sedated in a care home but occasionally cries out about a "flour man".

If he comes near my kids... I swear I'll do time!

Bonus Strip!

Also in the Cor! Annual is a character called Jelly Baby.

She/he (I genuinely don't know) is, well, a baby made of jelly. Or at least is fantastically rubbery. She's a baby version of Mr Fantastic, essentially.

She can stretch her neck:

Or her limbs:

And one story starts with her (yeah I've decided she's female) complaining of bullying.

THAT'S NOT BULLYING, IT'S FACTUALLY ACCURATE!!!!